If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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