Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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