I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My pussy is not your playground.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
