Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
