why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
