Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
