How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
