My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
