My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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