Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
