I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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