They should really pass out barf bags in church
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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