I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
