No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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