I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
