I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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