I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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