Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
