I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize