Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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