Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
