I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize