He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
