his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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