I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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