I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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