He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
