you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
