no, he came in my armpit
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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