So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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