We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
