i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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