Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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