I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
