my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
