I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
