I hate all girls vehemently.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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