My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
