And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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