apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
