We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
