Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
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dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
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his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?