You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
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i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
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Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime