I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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