I wish my penis had an off switch
someone threw a dead crab at me
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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