I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i came on her dog
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
