went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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