why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
