I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
