You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
