while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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