My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Randomize
