And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
North Korea, Best Korea!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
