I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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