it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
