yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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